I love that my kids now make their own dad jokes. This is a weird and difficult enough time as it is, with changing voices, hormones and friends. To gasps of delight the MC announced that this effigy had been sculptedby none other than the great Henry Moore himself. May you live to see your world fulfilled, May you be our link to future worlds, and may your hope encompass all the generations to be. The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. Have fun and get creative with your jokes. ", Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. I cant believe the ferret sold the place., He says, Youve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. One of our founding fathers was basically a bartender! A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. Does an Israel/Palestine Joke in Succession Trailer Tell Us Anything About Season 4? What can I get you?, A horse walks into a bar. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling. Yo Mama. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Things got a little tense. Bar mitzvah Jokes A Bee Attends a Bar Mitzvah Two bees ran into each other. The following are some examples of how to deal with specific topics: If you joke about someones personal appearance, its important that your subject have a good sense of humor about the topic. Plenty of flowers and fruit." If your child had any sort of pre-birth or early in life medical complications, now is the time to mention it. Woman Discloses She's Marrying Man Who Courageously Approached Her, Exchanged Contacts, 100 random things to say in a group chat to make members laugh. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal. Plenty of flowers andfruit. And a table. Many people are naturally funny in real life, and some are less so. The crowd is expectant, the silence is nearly devastating and all eyes are focused on mom. When you're honored by being asked to make some personal remarks in a Bat Mitzvah speech or a Bar Mitzvah speech, you're up. Why? We'll see about that. You're on. Is Uncle Joe extremely tall? A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. The bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve food here., The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they wont go flat, but the Irishman explains, Id rather see them all lined up before me. A dangling participle walks into a bar. Always whisper the names of diseases. shouts the barman. One of the oldest Jewish jokes is about the 13-year-old boy who takes the podium at the front of his synagogue to recite his bar mitzvah speech. Mazel tov! Congratulations, Bar Mitzvah, Man. If they are all pretty salty and irreverent, up and down, you can go a lot farther than if they are primarily prim, proper and socially conservative. It's a breeze. Now you can easily and quickly add contacts from your email account (such as Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo etc. While the audience is friendly and the content of her speech concerns matters far less urgent than those of life and death or the very future of a nation she is nonetheless anxious and tense. The first one says, Eooooooooohahummmuuuuuuuuoooooooaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuum.. Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister.". He went to all the best venues, and all the most expensivecaterers and eventually settled on the plushest dining suite and themost outrageously expensive cater there was. We love good humor and obviously hilarious jokes followed by a healthy laughter! The man thinks and says, I wish I had a million bucks. Suddenly, the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into peoples drinks. "I love all the attention," Brody, who . Only 12 cents., Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, Hey, do you taste something funny?, What is this, the bartender yells. Just last seder she read the Four Questions. Does the person regularly joke about these topics upon meeting a total stranger? Bartender jokes are another category of bar jokes that people enjoy. Funny You Ask Me "Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. One says, Ill have an H2O please The second scientist says, Ill have an H2O too. The second scientist died. An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk, and smoking cigars. Suddenly the guide stops and Cohen asks why. From the warm-up joke to the final thank-you's, we've got everything you need for a speech that will bring them to their feet. asked the man."NO!" Teach a man to duck and hell never walk into a bar. The jokes keep getting better every time they are shared. 2) Then, we write custom jokes based off of that. A highlight of many bat/bar mitzvah services is the short blessing or speech from the parents. A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Cheese Sandwich: $2.50 Chicken Sandwich: $3.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and asks the sexy bartender, Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. Now that the competition is long over, I am happy to share the winning five best Jewish jokes ever. You may also want to try out some of these wine quotes that will uncork all the laughs. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, . Humor also relieves boredom and, wherever anxiety or tension exists, it breaks the ice. 3) We have you highlight only the jokes/lines you really like and want to say. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen." A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: Ill have a Gin and Tonic.. Hekilled many, many mice. His concept is block letters with whimsical characters sitting on them, one would be talking and the other laughing. "Heard it." rd.com Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Hey, thats neat, says the bartender. A boy in the 50's might would get several fountain pens. Funny Bar Mitzvah Speeches Speech writing can be a hugely daunting task, and inspiration may be hard to come by. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. His friend replies, I know. Youll definitely want to add these to your repertoire, along with these clever jokes, short jokes, dad jokes, and bad jokes. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. Are you a lawyer? No, Im an asshole, says the man. Making a public joke about someones attractiveness, baldness or obesity can be embarrassing for a family member or friend unless they are open and comfortable with such issues. The occasion is her sons bar mitzvah and she wants her speech to strike just the right chord a blend of poignant, interesting, relevant, terse and funny. Its almost annoying. And so important is humor to Jewish culture that a landmark study on American Jewish identity in 2013 found that 42 percent of American Jews consider "having a good sense of humor" to be "an essential part of what being Jewish means." (In contrast, only 19 percent said . The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?". I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two. This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. We almost made today business casual.. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, Gimme a pint and a mop., A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, Five beers, please.. So he called NASA and arranged to have the space shuttle . the joke is just one of many funny jokes on Joke Buddha! The bartender says, So, what will it be this time? The penguin doesnt answer because its a penguin. ""A yarmulke," is the answer. One asks, Is the bartender here?. ", What do two condoms say when walking past a gay bar. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. Each guest pulled a classic Jewish joke written on a piece of paper and told the joke to the crowd. A French man walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder. To return Click Here. Who are rapper Logic's parents? Perfect run time. My Jewish son just became a lawyer at age 13! We recommend our users to update the browser. Bar Mitzvah ritual at the Western Wall, on September 22, 2008 in Jerusalem. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. The bartender thinks to himself, This gorilla doesnt know the prices of drinks, and gives him 15 cents change. An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. Now, you might be thinking: OK, funny guy. Theyre complimentary., The bartender replies, Dont you mean martini? The Roman says, If I wanted more than one, I would have asked., The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. Depends on the year. Congratulations and have a wonderful day! The Worst Bar Mitzvah Speech Ever Given. It was apopular gift in the right price range and it got to be a joke. If you miss even one, you pay for everyone elses drinks for the rest of the night. Love sharing with your friends and family? The joke competition was fierce. The jokes kill unnecessary boredom and awkward silences in between chats. ", "Excuse me," said Adam to G-d, "Don't you think you are being a bit toogenerous to these Welsh? 1 "Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!" In season 3, episode 24, Frasier remembers his disastrous first day as a radio show host. Youll be the toast of the night with these babies. Blonde. Bar mitzvah definition, a solemn ceremony held in the synagogue, usually on Saturday morning, to admit as an adult member of the Jewish community a Jewish boy 13 years old who has successfully completed a prescribed course of study in Judaism. I hired an exterminator. Why, what do you have? asks the barkeep. The caterer promised him agreat surprise on the night, one that people would talk about for yearsto come. When the brush gets even thicker, they all start walkingsingle file. A blind man walks into a bar. A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. Effective humor often comes from the place where total honesty and believable experience meets playful heightening and even a touch of the absurd. "- Muhammad Ali | Spammers go to: http://e-scrub.com/cgi-bin/wpoison/wpoison.cgi. What can I get you?, The bartender says, Sorry, sir. A Roman walks into a bar and says, One martinus please.. Flagship Amsterdam: Dani was awesome - See 36,659 traveler reviews, 1,242 candid photos, and great deals for Amsterdam, The Netherlands, at Tripadvisor. Just get in line.. Doctor, there's a patient on line one that says he's invisible. Can we finally have sex?" For starters, most of the assembled dont even understand the Hebrew. See more. Whats funny is i probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world and i cant wait for someone to call me in a month or something and say can you do these for my sons bar mitzvah. The next day, the duck returns and again says, I want to buy some peanuts. The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, I already told you I dont sell peanuts. The duck leaves. Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, Ill have a Martinus., (x) walks into a bar. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. The first bee asked the other how things were going. Where did he come from? The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, I want to buy some peanuts! The outraged bartender yells back, I told you, I dont sell peanuts! >Right, in my time it would have been "Today I am a calculator", but I'm>afraid nowadays it's "Today I am a cell-phone". A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveler walk into a bar. We wish you all the best and know you'll grow into an amazing young man. Tap To Copy. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Panting, he tells the barkeep, Give me ten shots of yourbest whiskeyquick! So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds. Right, in my time it would have been "Today I am a calculator", but I'mafraid nowadays it's "Today I am a cell-phone". Instead of officially becoming a man, Youngman embarked of usually-funny one-liners. "What can I get you?" You can write your speech wrap-up and smoothly transition from the speech body. We have a simple and elegant solution for you! He goes up to a beautiful young woman and says, "So, do I come here often?". Courtesy of my 13 year old son who is soon having bar mitzvah. (Don't worry the Bar Mitzvah will be much less painful.) It's like making a tuna sandwich: first, you prepare the tuna, then you wrap it up with the bread. Where are they? The bartender turns to the band and yells, Frank, Ive got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!. Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo-ball soup: "Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat? The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: You mathematicians dont know your limits.. I wish you much happiness and many blessings on such a special day. He took the test and passed. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. 2023 BDG Media, Inc. All rights reserved. "Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Hey, Ive got a great new joke for you! the barman says. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. And if you think thats silly, guess how many bubbles are in one bottle of champagne 49 million! The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge." Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Two bees ran into each other. A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. Why are you drinking so fast? asks the barkeep. And what's so wrong with dry turkey? This movie was hysterical. A perfectionist walked into a bar. Riddle. What do you call a basement full of women? After hes paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, So how many have you caught today? The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, Youre the eighth., The bartender says, Want to hear a joke? The corn stalk replies, Im all ears!, The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, No, sorry. Miraculously, he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron. . "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp.". A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. For instance: Bubbie Nadine acts incredibly youthful, like shes a fraction of her age. Halloween Kid Jokes - Perfect for lunch boxes, print these for free! A guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes.". If I wanted a double, Id have asked for it!, One of them says, Wed like a couple of beers, please. The bartender says, OK, but dont start anything., Panting, he tells the barkeep, Give me 10 shots of your best whiskey quick! So the barkeep sets them up, and the man knocks them all back in seconds. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. Click here for more information. How many times have you heard the man walks into a bar jokes? Humor also relieves boredom and, wherever anxiety or tension exists, it breaks the ice. A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. A run-on sentence walks into a bar and starts flirting with a cute little sentence fragment. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. ", "Don't talk rubbish" replied G-d, "Wait till you see the bloodyneighbours I'm giving them!!!". Couldn't you have asked Epstein? Magic beer, says the guy. Beard. If you ask one more time, Ill nail you to the wall! The duck leaves. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, "Why? Google me!, Sure enough, panda: A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. ", A chicken walks into a bar. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. The logo is for Riley's Bar Mitzvah. The first bee has an idea. Said Goodman . Even the cake was in tiers. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood.". No charge., The first one says, It sure is hot in here., His friend snaps back, Shut your mouth!, The bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you!, The screwdriver squeals, You have a drink named Philip??. 'Today I am a fountain pen,' he says.*. A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, Im terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty? To which the man replies surprised, Oh no no everythings fine! The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, "Hey!" "I didn't order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.". Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. For more joke ideas, check out our main collection of bar jokes that will turn you into the life of the party. The first kid leans over and asks, "what are you in here for? What just happened? I always wanted to explore the Holocaust on a deeper level. Two whales walk into a bar. Unique Funny Bar Mitzvah stickers featuring millions of original designs created and sold by indepe. He orders a beer and a mop. Entry to adulthood? "Pint, please, and one for the road.". Some people find it hard to do it, and that is why some of these fantastic profile pic comments for Facebook will help. Mazel Tov! Thepeople who live there will be called The Welsh and will be thefriendliest people around. replied the rabbi. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. Get your domain now before its too late. >>As he prepares himself for Bar Mitzvah, he is constantly hounded by his>>parents, reminding him, "You'll get presents, you'll get presents." "I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.", "Why do Jewish men die before their wives? The date is 3.16.13, and his initials are RMV. We dont serve food here.. asks bee number one. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. But in 2009 America, a 13-year-old is more likely to be crying over eighth-grade math, texting friends about last nights episode of Entourage and battling increased perspiration with the criminally nauseating AXE body spray. Your culture and entertainment cheat-sheet. When all the mice were around the cheese,I bar-mitzvahed them all. Christmas jokes - Another set of hilarious jokes to print. This is not to say that mom wants to deliver a nonstop, wall-to-wall joke fest. Men and women always dance separately. Did you really think I wanted a twelve-inch pianist?, The bartender says, Why the big clause?, The bartender says, You know, we dont get too many gorillas in here. The gorilla replies, Well, at $9.85 a drink, I aint coming back, either., The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?". Ideas For Bar Mitzvah Jokes And Speeches You may already be stressed, so your emotions are mild - you already are. I just want a drink. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. "Get out!" Always borrow money from a pessimist. One of them says "We'd like a couple of beers, please." The bartender says "Okay, but don't start anything." Three fonts walk into a bar. You cant tell me that was just a coincidence, man. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Happy Bar Mitzvah! How many other jokes can one make off 'Man walks into a bar?'? "What did you do?" However you want to tell it, theres nothing like a bar joketo instantly liven up the room. Theres usually an Irish man and English man in this joke, but theyre still at the Rugby World Cup. ", A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. All you have to do is turn your anxiety into happiness (this is called reframing, by the way). A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Tuko.co.ke recently shared 100+ awesome profile pic comments for Facebook. * * * * *. They'll never expect it back. Seudat mitzvah: A seudat mitzvah (Hebrew: , "commanded meal"), in Judaism, is an obligatory festive meal, usually referring to the celebratory meal . replies the second. and takes off. ", The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. Humor. A night out at your favorite bar is always a fun idea until youre hit with an awkward silence. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Rabbi, where did I go wrong? A guy walks into a wedding reception. The jokes revolve around the profession, serving drinks, types of tequilas, stereotypes, and everything funny that people observe. But they always come back!Rabbi Shlomo: Yes, I had the same problem. Im a fun guy., As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, That shirt looks great on you! The man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. On the night of the function, everyone sat down at the table to eat, thelights dimmed, and to a tremendous fanfare from the symphony orchestra,spotlights shone on the centre of the ceiling. "How's your summer been?" When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this.". It's impossible to put down. What do you call the event when a puppy becomes a dog? She must be a poor old fool, he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink. You'll always be Mom's baby. What's the difference between men and pigs? Finally, when his nerves have cooled, and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, I bet your parents are really proud of you! He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. John Goodman ( Roseanne, Argo, The Big Lebowski) and Dan Aykroyd ( Ghostbusters, The Blues Brothers) both sent us this gag. The Cohen's want to impress all their friends so for their son's Bar Mitzvahthey charter a Boeing 747 and fly all the guests to a safari in Kenya. When you share some good bar jokes, your friends will love you and enjoy your company more. "Last Jewish Comic Standing," was what our family named a game we came up with for our guests to play at our son's Bar Mitzvah reception. This is not to say that mom wants to deliver a nonstop, wall-to-wall joke fest. The patron chugs his Magic Beer, runs over to the cliff and plummets to his death. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. So what better way to disarm the room than with some punch lines? 'Rabbi Geoffrey L. Shisler Bournemouth (Orthodox) Hebrew Congregation RavG@TheOffice.netEngland UK. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children. From Groucho Marx to the Borscht Belt to Sarah Silverman, many of America's best-known comedians have been Jewish. Get the news that matters from one of the leading news sites in Kenya, Kiambu Woman Dies, Leaves Behind Unfinished House Kenyans were Building Her, Little Girl Begs Man on the Road for Money, Video Surprises Many, Chris Brown Throws Female Fan's Phone into Crowd after Sensual Dance on Stage, Pastor Ng'ang'a, Wife Loise Pay Tribute to Home He Grew up In, Rigathi Gachagua Says Kenya Kwanza Gov't Is Building Kenya from Scratch: "I Want to Give You Hope". If you need to flag this entry as abusive. The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma.". This list is so good, even your sober friends will laugh at them. Whether youre out on a new date or hanging with friends, a great way to break the ice is with a good joke. Each domain is like a snowflake, there are no two domains alike. Try to keep the jokes general rather than too inside or obscure those things only your family or closest friends would understand. The untold story of Aleeza Goggins, Rigathi Gachagua Says Matiang'i Fled Kenya Fearing Ruto Would Harass Him: "Some People Are Cowards", Governor Abdulswamad Facilitates 400 Residents to Attend Burial of Luo Council of Elders Leader Willis Otondi, Babu Owino, Other Elected Kenya Young Parliamentarians Association Legislators, How to block and divert calls and SMS on Safaricom? A soccer ball walks into a bar. She absolutely loves working with her clients to help them get their story out to the world, using social media. Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" Its got to be annoying? Nay again, lad, you get used to it. But that ships wheel in your pants Aye, its drivin me nuts!. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Here are the best funny jokes for teens, clean jokes for teens and overall stupid but good jokes. Say one of the honorees is an extremely beautiful woman: Cousin Sally is quite a looker, as everyone knows. A non-renewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey. Laughing all the time will make you happy and cheerful every day. The guy walks back inside smiling and orders another beer. Theyve got millions of them!, He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. Author Describes Her Return to Judaism in God Said What? ", A screwdriver goes into a bar. A termite walks into the bar and asks, Is the bartender here? ", Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. Get updates on new posts directly to your inbox! The bartender says, Sorry, dont sell peanuts. The duck leaves. The steaks are too high., The first one says, It sure is hot in here. His friend snaps back, Shut your mouth!, The bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you! The screwdriver squeals, You have a drink named Philip?, He says to his friend, Thats amazing. >-- >Matt Fields, DMA http://listen.to/mattaj TwelveToneToyBox http://start.at/tttb> "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread,> they can sure make something out of you. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee. When the bartender serves him, he says, I see you didnt order a beer for one of your brothers. Here are a few funny facts thatll make good bar banter. A waiter responds, You passed it on the way here., The bartender says, Close the dam door!. !, He asks the bartender, Whats with the meat? The bartender says, If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. "Get. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife. Specific Personal Attributes and Qualities, As with personal appearance, make the jokes about qualities that your subject would take pride in, or that are widely known as safe topics for ribbing. Japanese Bar Mitzvah Joke: Morris was telling his friend Mendel a joke, Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day.Right away, his friend, Mendel, interrupts him, Always. ", The rabbi strokes his beard and says, "Funny you should come to me. Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. asks bee number one. King of the One Liners reading Golden Oldies .
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